I Think I May Have Lost Myself Again…
I haven’t written in such a long time. I haven’t felt the desire or the need or made the time. I forget how to even start. I can’t remember how to organize my thoughts. I can’t seem recall how to get myself into the mindset to focus. I haven’t even so much as logged in to this blog in over a year. It’s not that I was busy. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say because…damn. It’s not because someone or something came along and made it so I couldn’t; I simply just didn’t. My choice. My fault. Mine to own. Mine to regret if I choose. I find myself sitting here tonight wondering why is it that the only time I feel the pull to write is when things are not…great or when life feels extraordinary? It seems like this little forgotten blog is my haven and the place I feel like I can come to put things that need to be put somewhere. Happy, sad or full of love: it all belongs here. As I read through a few of my older posts, I found all my sadness and all my joy and all my love that I left here: safe, intact and complete. I felt every single emotion as though it was the very day I left it here. I wondered for a moment if I should delete some things: some things are certainly different and remembering is quite painful right now; but then I decided that this place is what it is to me because this is where those things belong. My story is my story because of those things and I am me because they happened: Forgetting is not an option. I keep them here so I can come back to them when I need to. I realized tonight that everyone has an outlet. Some people create beautiful art, some people sing, some people build. I realized that this place is my art form, this is my song, this is my therapy and my healing. This is where I can be me. No matter how big the gap is between creations: they are all such an import piece of my human “self-ness”. They are all important. So now… why now? What now? I don’t know the answer to any of that. I don’t know the answer to anything it seems. I can’t make a plan (I probably couldn’t make spaghetti right now) I can’t make sense of a lot of things. I’m having troubling focusing. I’m finding it very difficult to smile: when I do feel joy right now it feels foreign and wrong. I miss the feeling of extraordinary. I miss the feeling of safe and settled and home and family. I miss not thinking what if and why. I miss not having my heart feel like its being turned inside out a thousand times a day. I miss the feeling of comfortable and the feeling of familiar. I miss not being scared and I miss not having to worry. I miss the feeling of love. I miss the feeling of being special and important. I miss being extraordinary. Until tonight I thought I missed “me”: I thought when it all disappeared that I lost me too. It turns out though, most of me has been here all along – I just forgot where to look. I guess the rest of me will show up when it’s time. I will find all of the things that I feel like I lost someday. I will recognize soon enough that most of those things never actually left they just took on a different form. I will find my strength and be in a place I can put it away again. It’s just going to take time. Thank you for keeping “me” safe little blog.
edit/ It’s been so long I can’t even remember how to work this thing :( I can save your life and probably deliver a baby in a pinch: but I can’t put a picture in a blog post!!! grrrr #alltheswearwords
edit on the edit// All fixed…sort of :) thank you sir for once again knowing all the things that I do not! :))